Last night, my husband saw me writing something down on top of a book. He perked up and was like, "whatcha doing? making notes about something?" Me: "no." Him, disappointedly: "Oh, I thought maybe you were getting interested in something." And he meant, "something other than sitting around thinking about cancer." Poor hubby.
I admit it! I have had a one-track mind, unfortunately. And it doesn't help anything. It has just been hard for me to even pick up a book. or listen to the news. or turn on the radio. or run. I finally made it to a few social outings, and that was good. Something distracting. Something fun.
I am feeling a little less stuck in my deep dark reflective cave, so perhaps I can start to "get interested in something" again. I am finally feeling like I might be able to go to playdates again. Maybe.
I have a book about Pat Tillman I want to read. It has been sitting on my shelf for two months, but every time I open it, I start daydreaming (about what? yes, you guessed it). I may try again tonight, and really concentrate this time.
I have still been taking pictures, and that has been distracting, and fun. I have still been writing, but as those of you reading this know, that has been a one-track thought process as well. So I am going to try to branch out.
We'll see how it goes. :)
I think it must come with the mothering territory... the one track child on the brain mind!
ReplyDeleteHave you heard of Dani Shapiro's memoir Devotion? They went through some pretty life threatening things with their son, and she incorporates that in a search for a belief (yoga... Judaism... yourself... really good stuff) but a lot of it has to do with overcoming those what if's and living life after almost losing her son. Not that you want to read it now, but it might be good to put on your list :)
Thinking of you guys!
I hope things ease off a bit for you to catch a break. It's so easy to lose yourself in your kids stuff, even if they're not sick. Anything you do for you is good. There was a time when I couldn't focus on books, so I would put on an old movie whenever I had a chance. Worked like a charm. Then I got into photography. Now, in addition to photography, I'm back into books. I hope you find something that soothes your soul and refreshes you. (((hugs)))
ReplyDeleteUmmm... I don't run, but I hear it does wonders for destressing. :) Or... you could start reading some total brain candy like a people magazine and work your way up to a novel.
ReplyDeleteBe gentle on yourself. As and when you are ready, you'll get there, but for now, it is normal and healthy to be focused on Andrew. You and your family have been thrown for a loop, and there is no prescribed timeline or recipe for branching out or getting back into the things that were important before.
ReplyDeleteOur family has really clung to movies. For some reason it's easier to lose yourself in a movie (vs a book) if you've got a lot going on in your own life.
ReplyDeleteI really recommend something hands on -- knitting, cross stitch -- something that you have to concentrate on and count stitches! Then you're concentrating so much you can't worry during that time...
I can relate. I just finally picked my camera up for the first time in over a month this weekend and it is amazing how much that gave me back a little piece of myself. But unfortunately reality sets in and I am back on the same track...
ReplyDeleteJulie,
ReplyDeleteI just found your blog today. I am going to follow, but most of all I am going to pray for your Andrew and your family.
If I can say anything encouraging it would be to try to shove the worry and the pain aside, and live every minute of your life to the fullest. Live with no regrets. Try to find the joy and beauty in life.
I lost my Andrew in an accident 3 years ago. He was 15 1/2. It was hard, but I can honestly say that I am putting all my energy into living every moment and making my life good.
As I said, I will pray for you.
http://heroesinheaven.blogspot.com
Hi Julie~ still following your blog and praying for Andrew. Hope he is feeling well today. Don't be too hard on yourself. It sounds like you are doing an amazing job of holding everything together.
ReplyDeleteOh, I have so been there. I can't tell you how many times I swore off googling. That's actually why I started my blog, I just needed to talk about something other than cancer sometimes.
ReplyDelete