Hell has cooled off

I have spent a lot of time praying.  I have spent a lot of time wondering.  I have spent a lot of time wondering about praying.  Does it do anything?  Does it help? 

I have prayed desperately in the past for things-- big things.  Some went my way.  Some did not.  I know that God does not answer every request that comes his way.  Then we would be the ones with the power and he would be a captive genie.  But it is so hard to accept that he may not answer the really big ones the way we want Him to...that he may not answer the ones that crush us, the way we want Him to.  How can he *love* us and allow us suffer so much?   I don't know.  I don't understand.

But I keep praying.  I think intrinsically the process works to ease my anxiety.  It helps me to release the pain.  It forces me to contemplate myself and my God.  Who am I?  Who is He?  All of this has forced me to reconsider. 

I look around.

Things are better.

I was in such hell for so long there.  Really.  Such hell. 

And I still don't know how this life will go.  But I suppose no one does.

But for now, I am thankful:

Andrew has adjusted to the chemo--he hasn't taken any pain medication in at least 2 months.  He rarely needs nausea medication.  He laughs and smiles and eats chocolate muffins while getting chemo. 

He is slowly, but surely, gaining weight.  NOT losing it.  He has accepted his "tubes."

I have been relieved of Ursula and her cold, removed, calloused, uncaring (I could go on) ways...I have been relieved of the whole unpleasant, cold atmosphere in which Ursula reigned.  (Can I have a big Hooray Hallelujah Fist-bump high-five AMEN?!!!)

I have been relieved of the hospital rooms occupied by multiple families and multiple tragedies and multiple beeping lights and multiple children crying.  HELL I tell you.

When I told MD Anderson doctors/nurses that Andrew was receiving three preventative mouth treatments a day, they all looked at me in shock.  REALLY? they all said.  And I said REALLY!!!!! you don't make your patients do that!?  I have been torturing my baby for NO REASON?  They only do mouth treatments when there is a problem.  What a novel idea.   SO I STOPPED THEM.  If MD Anderson thinks it is ridiculous then I will go with them.  NO MORE AWFUL DISGUSTING MOUTH TREATMENTS FOR MY BABY.  If he gets sores, we will go back.  But for now...NO MORE!

No more vomiting from forcing down liquid antibiotics.  Now we crush the pills in chocolate ice cream.  Why did I have to figure that out for myself???

Radiation is over.  No short term side effects to report.  Praying for the long term.

I haven't stayed a night in the hospital in over 8 weeks.  I can hardly believe it.  Only two more scheduled stays.  I hope that is all it will be.  But even if not...the room is private.  And quiet. 

I spent three hours today in a quiet clinic (with a nice nurse who has made much of this possible, thank you so much T), and then went home to my sweet boys, did homework, ate dinner, and put them to bed. I love normalcy!!  Andrew is attached to tubes, but we can handle it!

There is recent news about Andrew's type of cancer and possible scientific breakthroughs that could lead to better treatments. Maybe a future cure? One can hope.


I am almost afraid to say all of these things for some superstitious fear of the future.  But nothing can change the past.  And the past two months have been BETTER. 

So maybe there is something to prayer.  I don't fully trust God.   I admit it.  I have been distant from him for a while.  But the thought occurred to me that perhaps he might woo me to his side with good stuff rather than making me run to him out of fear...is that possible?  I'm wondering if maybe His hand has been more involved in all of this "good stuff" than I give him credit?  Maybe He heard my cries of misery and has placed in my life people who have helped make it better?  Maybe?

Regardless.  There is no denying that it is better.

So thank you, friends, for the prayers.

I have room to breathe. 

I feel cared for. 

Hell has cooled off...at least a little bit.