In April, 2010, when Andrew was 2 1/2, a tumor was discovered behind his eye. The tumor was removed, but it was found to be an aggressive cancer. He endured seven months of chemo and six weeks radiation. In December of 2010, the day after his last treatment, he was rushed to the ER with an almost fatal bacterial infection. He survived.

He is now seven-years-old!! I don't visit here much, because during the ordeal, this is where I dumped everything--my rage, my fear, my sadness, my ugly, my hope, my everything. But I want all of you who supported and prayed for us to hear his updates. You helped me survive, and I am deeply thankful. Every once in awhile, I will check in to let you know how he's doing. Please continue to pray that cancer will never return to his body. Thank you.

Thursday, February 11, 2010


Where does this feeling of coldness come from?  Exhaustion? Frustration? Feeling out of control? Yes, probably all of the above. 

I am sitting here listening to my boys upstairs.  No one is sleeping.  One is moaning and crying.  Two of them are running back and forth between the bedrooms they are supposed to be sleeping in. I can hear their footsteps pounding back and forth.  I can hear banging and have to wonder what they are getting into.  Perhaps if I could not hear them, it would not make me so angry.  But I can.  And it does. 

Child overload.  I have it.  Constant teasing, fussing, screaming, complaining, and whining.  I know I know.  I have been blessed with three beautiful boys.  They are sweet boys.  And one day, I will miss these days.   I just wish "these days" were a little easier. 

I keep trying to make things positive, but I feel like they end up negative far more than I would like.  I wish it were easier to cope and I didn't end up feeling so frustrated. But I am feeling VERY frustrated.  I start to feel like a poor parent, and I start worrying that my boys will resent me.

But there are many positives, despite my complaining.  Today my two-year-old thanked me for changing his diaper!  That was a first.  A very sweet first.  My 5-year-old read a whole book to me tonight!  Another first.

But I am feeling sick.  Sore throat and an upstairs pounding with wide-awake boys.  Three beautiful, healthy, happy boys (who won't sleep).

Good night!


  1. Oh, sorry that you're feeling like this--I get it often. You're a wonderful parent. First evidence: your boys are alive; you haven't killed them while feeling this way. ;) Because sometimes I wonder if that is a valid option. Okay, so not really. But ONE boy is trying. I can't imagine that times THREE! My boy never thanked me for changing his diaper. But he did just last night tell me he loves me "more than your nose is bigger than your eyes!" He's great for my self-esteem, I tell ya. Hang in there. It can't get much worse, right?!

  2. I'm not a Mom but for some strange reason, I can still relate. Life no matter how hard we try to keep positive, it's still not perfect or even pretty. I think it's great that you recognize that raising kids and being a parent, especially a stay at home mom isn't always easy.

    The only advice I can offer (and again, this coming from someone who isn't a parent but who has a pretty demanding life) is maybe you need to carve out some time for yourself. Join a club or group of Moms who are going through the same thing Or even just spend a couple of hours by yourself doing something you enjoy.

    You'll see that over time, making yourself a priority for a few hours will not only re-charge your batteries but your kids and hubby will reap the benefits as well.

    Hang in there, Julie! :)


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