In April, 2010, when Andrew was 2 1/2, a tumor was discovered behind his eye. The tumor was removed, but it was found to be an aggressive cancer. He endured seven months of chemo and six weeks radiation. In December of 2010, the day after his last treatment, he was rushed to the ER with an almost fatal bacterial infection. He survived.

He is now seven-years-old!! I don't visit here much, because during the ordeal, this is where I dumped everything--my rage, my fear, my sadness, my ugly, my hope, my everything. But I want all of you who supported and prayed for us to hear his updates. You helped me survive, and I am deeply thankful. Every once in awhile, I will check in to let you know how he's doing. Please continue to pray that cancer will never return to his body. Thank you.

Monday, February 21, 2011


That stupid Coke (soda). 
What was I thinking?!  It looked so good, and my stomach felt queasy. 
 But now....
I am wide AWAKE. 
Maybe I should take a Tylenol PM? 
 I will give myself fifteen more minutes...

Relax. Stop thinkingFocus on your breathing.

I think Aaron's birthday party went well. 
 So cute to see all of those mini-Star Wars characters running around. 
I should blog about Aaron for his birthday tomorrow...
maybe something about the day he was born....
and how thankful I am for him...

But I think I did that last year.  Maybe something else...?

 I can't believe there was a scorpion upstairs in the bedroom hallway. 
 A small, tan bark scorpion. 
The dangerous kind.
There could be a scorpion in my bed. 
There could be a scorpion in the boys' beds. 
One of these days, one of us is going to step on one.
It is just a matter of time.
 I wish I could call pest control, but it is 12:30...a.m. 
Those people! The previous owners.
 Telling us they never saw any scorpions in the house and
then we hear their dog died from a scorpion bite?! 
I need to call pest control tomorrow. 
 I wonder if they are open on Presidents' Day?

Dang that Coke!! Should I take the Tylenol? 

But listen. 
 It is so quiet. I can hear my own breathing. And the dogs snoring. 
 I am alone here.  Alone here in my thoughts, in the quiet.  How rare is that? 
 Fifteen more minutes.

Relax. Close your eyes. Calm down.

He was shaking and I was in denial. I ignored it. I went to church and ignored it. Of all the days to spend the afternoon in a loud stadium watching a terrible football game... He could have died. I would have blamed myself for the rest of my life, because I saw him. Shaking. Just for a few seconds, but I should have done something. Right then. I didn't know it was that serious, but I should have checked.

Thank you God. If you had anything to do with saving Andrew's life. Thank you.

Maybe I could write something about how Aaron's arms have grown too long for his new shirts,
and how his ankles peek out beneath his new pants (that I bought a month ago). 
How did my sweet baby get so long and lanky? 
How did he get so sweet? 
How did he get so seven?
 His kind heart and compassion give me hope that I am doing okay at this parenting thing.

I wonder what Aaron's teacher wants to talk about in his conference? 
 Last time she said he was a very sweet kid...has something changed? 
Maybe this stuff with Andrew is having an effect. 
Maybe it's his math.  Dang math.  Just like me, not a math brain. 
I need to get out the flashcards.
Tomorrow we will start with the flashcards.

Why did we even buy Coke for the party!? 
Who needs Coke? 
Sugar, fizz, calories.

Why does prayer feel like I'm banging my head against a wall? 
Why God? 
Why the same prayers, year after year, after year?
Hearts are breaking
and nothing changes.
God.  Please help.

I hope Andrew and John don't get that stomach bug. 
I don't think I can handle any more vomit.

Stupid Coke!!!!!! 

Time for the Tylenol.


  1. It wasn't your fault, Julie. You are doing waaaaaaay better than okay as a mother. You are amazing.

    PS: Happy Birthday to Aaron! (And I hope you finally got some scorpion-free dreams.)

  2. I hope the Tylenol PM finally kicked in. I thought I was the only one who had such a variety of thoughts when I can't go to sleep. :) Happy Birthday to Aaron. It looks like he had a fun party.

    I came to visit you because your friend Heidi told me that you blogged. She thought I'd enjoy yours and I do. I am working as a teacher's aide in the clasroom with Heidi and I love her. I am also a blogger and I write about life, famiy, health, and faith.

    It's good to 'meet you'.


  3. sometimes you make me think of David. You're honesty, your troubled soul, your determination to praise God. You write Psalms sometimes you know?

  4. Happy birthday, Aaron!

    Caffeine is wicked stuff. Ease up on it woman! Get some sleep. ;) Here's hoping you come down off the stuff without a caffeine hangover. Take care, my friend.

  5. I hope you got some sleep. This is the same way that my brain works when I'm trying to fall asleep - caffeinated or not! Hubs always tells me to "just stop thinking and go to sleep", which seems impossible to me.

    And we've second guessed and regretted ignoring the shaking a million and one times. What's done is done,and thank God we're all here (healthy and well) to second guess ourselves.

    Happy Birthday to Aaron! Glad his party was a success!

  6. THANK GOD, I'm not the only one who responds so strongly to caffeine. You are not alone. And you are an AMAZING Mom. The photos from Aaron's party is proof of that. I hope you were able to get some sleep.


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