In April, 2010, when Andrew was 2 1/2, a tumor was discovered behind his eye. The tumor was removed, but it was found to be an aggressive cancer. He endured seven months of chemo and six weeks radiation. In December of 2010, the day after his last treatment, he was rushed to the ER with an almost fatal bacterial infection. He survived.

He is now seven-years-old!! I don't visit here much, because during the ordeal, this is where I dumped everything--my rage, my fear, my sadness, my ugly, my hope, my everything. But I want all of you who supported and prayed for us to hear his updates. You helped me survive, and I am deeply thankful. Every once in awhile, I will check in to let you know how he's doing. Please continue to pray that cancer will never return to his body. Thank you.

Friday, September 17, 2010

Dear God

Dear God,

I know.  I have never been a favorite.

I don't feel compelled to write you love songs or poems.  I don't always pray before meals, and sometimes when I do, I am just rushing through to get to my burrito.  I am not in awe of you when I view nature.  I don't feel close to you on a mountaintop.

I've always been selfish.  I've always been self-focused; stuck in my own little world of me and my problems. 

I have done little things of which I am not proud.  I have done big things of which I am ashamed.

I don't think I can honestly say that I have ever lived by JOY.  You know, that Sunday School mantra?  Jesus, Others, You?  I probably live it in reverse, every day.

You tolerate my begging, and my constant prayers and worries about what other people think of me.  You hear my whining about how I am not social enough and how dumb I feel when I dress in the wrong clothes....

I am not part of a charity organization and I don't help feed the homeless on Thanksgiving.  I don't always put money in the offering plate. 

I feel disgusted and rageful and angry that you say you love us, but allow people to be raped and mutilated and ravaged by disease and die in tragic accidents.  Tough love?  Disgustingly tough. 

See, I am critical.  I see the negative first and have to dig for the positive.

I can be mean-spirited and feel superior.  I can be neurotic and feel inferior.  I mutter things under my breath that should never be uttered.  I say things outloud which hurt people deeply.

I scream at my children and watch them cry.

I am a slob.

So I suppose I expect pain.  I expect consequences.  I expect imperfection.    I expect to be hurt and feel depressed and miserable at times.

But Andrew? 

He's only two.  He still occasionally confuses his name with his age.  He wants to learn!  He wants to play and run and be crazy.  He wants to learn his letters and sounds and read books and practice coloring inside the lines. He wants to make upper case O's.

He wants to jump and play and wrestle and flip on trampolines and eat sour gummy bears and scream down slides and grow up.

Please dear God.

Look down on your sweet boy and show him mercy. Save him from a life of hospitals and pain.  Heal him physically and emotionally.

And despite my many issues, of which you are quite aware, please grant me your grace and bless me with his presence in my life. Allow me to watch him grow up.  Mold him into a beautiful, kind, caring man.  Let him have fun and pleasure and joy in his life.  Give him a heart of compassion and empathy.

Who knows...maybe someday he will run that soup kitchen on Christmas or build those houses in Guatemala or charter schools in Uganda.  Or maybe he will just bless everyone he meets with his kind smile.  Maybe he will give thanks before each and every meal because he wants to and means it.  Maybe he won't.

Give him a chance.  Please dear Jesus.  Let him live.


  1. Amen, Julie, amen.

    What a beautiful, honest, and powerful prayer. The very best kind, in my opinion.

    Although I'm not sure if I have any pull myself, I want you to know that you, Andrew, and your family are in all of the prayers that I do have.

  2. I so admire your honesty, just nothing like "laying it all out there" for our Lord. He knows anyway, He always knows the hidden places of our heart and He promises to hear the groanings of our hearts as well. May you feel His warmth, peace and comfort surround you on this difficult journey. Abundant blessings to you!

  3. this is a beautiful prayer. Your family is in my prayers as well.

  4. Oh honey... from what I hear, God doesn't play favorites...
    The honesty in this post is breathtaking.

  5. Corinne is right - God doesn't play favorites. You are not alone, Julie - we all have flaws. I am no expert in this area but I believe with all of my heart that God loves you and your family.

    Life is hard. difficult and painful. We ask why, we rage and we cry for peace. for answers. for miracles. But sometimes the only thing we can hold on to, to keep us going is faith and the love felt by everyone around us.

    I know I've said this before - I wish we lived closer so I could give you a great big hug!

  6. I suppose I know that in my mind. I guess this is a bit of an emotional rant. The deep part of me that doesn't quite believe everything she was taught. The part of me that feels deeply betrayed by this despite the many blessings and positive things I have been blessed with. I know I am not alone in my pain. But when I look into my sweet sons eyes and watch what he has to go through all of that cognitive belief flies out the window and I feel like God doesn't care one bit. So I try to prop up my faith and beleif once again on some wobbly legs.

  7. I encourage you to keep ranting and raging, Julie. :)

    I should have reminded you, in my comment last night, that the feelings you are dealing with are normal. And it may not seem like it it, but you are probably doing exactly what you need to do to keep yourself going.

    I am still praying.For you and your family. xo

  8. Oh, wow, this post brought me to tears. Your sweet, sweet boy. I am hoping for the best for him and your family.

  9. This is beautiful because it is so heartfelt and honest. Remember: God weeps too...


  10. ♥ Praying along with you.

  11. It just doesn't seem fair......
    Hang in there.
    I am praying for his health and happiness, yours too :D

  12. What a heartfelt prayer. You are an inspiration to me to share my heart. Not to say what I think I should say but say what I feel. I bet it felt good to get your feelings out. Praying for you and your family. Thank you for allowing all of us the privilege to witness authenticity. xo,Gina


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