Today as I watched my anemic and pale son shriek, "MA-MA, Maaamaaa, maaamaaa, maamaaa" and try desperately to pull his shirt down over his vulnerable port, and get his knee in the way of the nurses and their inevitable needle, I could feel the rage rising in my chest.
I have to constantly remind myself that this is saving his life. "This is saving his life. I hope." "This is saving his life. I hope." My new chant. Because it is SO HORRENDOUS that "life" is the only reason that it makes any sense. For any other reason it would be considered torture. It would be considered child abuse.
As I watch my son now start to lose his eyebrows and some of his long eyelashes I wonder how long it will be before he is completely hairless. I know, compared to the rest of everything, this is trivial. But it is painful to watch....I am practically counting each lash each day. "This is saving his life. I hope." "This is saving his life. I hope."
As I watch, over and over and over again, his skin turn from slightly pink to pale white, his blood cells demolished by this horrendous cure, I feel rage. It disgusts me.... "This is saving his life. I hope." "This is saving his life. I hope."
I feel rage at God. There is no one else available. At one point today I was trying to be a nice Christian and saying "This must be how God felt watching his own son suffer." But my thoughts continued..."If God loves us as much as he says he does, then he must be in utter, unspeakable, indescribable pain every day." And then I thought, "Well. Good. I hope he is in pain. I hope is heart is broken. I hope he screams and cries in agony every millisecond of every day. Because otherwise, I hate him." Those thoughts were in my head. I'm not proud. I'm just being honest.
Because this is nothing. Andrew's cancer is nothing compared to the ridiculous amount of pain and suffering out there. And this "nothing" is horrendous enough. I know I am supposed to blame humans, and our sin, but I am not in the mood. Give the mass murderers cancer. Leave my baby alone. So today, I am angry and blasphemous.
I am also sick. Swollen lymph nodes and achy all over. Sick, angry, and blasphemous. Happy Tuesday.
I've got no words for you today Julie.
ReplyDeleteJust - I'm sorry this is happening to you, you have every right to rage, and this IS saving his life.
I hope you feel better soon.
((hugs))
this sounds so unbelievably difficult. i don't know the words that will make it better (i doubt there are any). i'm sorry. lots of hugs
ReplyDeleteOh honey...
ReplyDeleteFeel better. I hope you can get some rest.
I am so sorry and I am praying like crazy for you and your sweet family.
ReplyDeleteI am sorry for your pain and frustration. Please know that so many of us are still praying and we know it's not easy. Not even going to lie and say I know how you feel. I can only imagine. I'm sure I'd have some of the same feelings as you if I were in your shoes. Take care of yourself, too. Andrew needs his mommy well to help care for him.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry Julie - so sorry
ReplyDeleteI HATE cancer... seriously.
ReplyDeleteHow awful and terrible. And any NORMAL person would be thinking the very same thoughts you are. Never feel guilty for feeling anything that you are going through... I think that's the only way that you are going to stay sane.
I am still praying ever so hard for your little man and your family!
My heart constantly aches for you all. XXOO
ReplyDeleteIt is fine to be angry. Be angry! I would be, too. I really don't have enough words because obviously words aren't enough. You are in my heart and in my prayers.
ReplyDeleteI read this yesterday, but it was hard to know what to say. What kind of response is there to such a thing as this? Just know that I think of you often.
ReplyDeleteBTW... I kind of cracked up a little at the end. "Happy Tuesday" to you too! :)
Mass murderers should get it all..........all the bad things. I agree. And I'm angry right alongside you. Lots of prayers for YOU, Andrew, and his team of specialists.
ReplyDeleteMay the God of peace and comfort wrap His ever loving arms around you and give you a big hug and bring peace and rest to your soul during this most difficult time. Blessings!
ReplyDeleteI can't think of anything to say or do to make you feel better. Just know that you can vent to us anytime and we'll understand. All I can do is pray that all this horror will cure Andrew's cancer. Love to you all.
ReplyDeleteFound your blog via Michelle's. (Momma's Pixie Dreams).
ReplyDeleteJust wanted to say I'll keep your son in my thoughts and prayers, and am sending positive thoughts your way.
Found your blog through Michelle's Momma's Pixie Dreams. I can't imagine what you go through watching your son go through treatments. Even if you hate God and yell at him, he knows your heart. It's okay to be mad. I hate what he allows to happen to the innocent people and I HATE CANCER! I will keep your little boy in my heart and prayers.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry, I'm so very sorry.
ReplyDeleteIf there were more to say, something to make it stop or go away I would say that too. We will keep your little man in our prayers....and this is saving his life...