The way it is...

I confuse myself.  A lot of the time.   I probably spend half of my thoughts contemplating my parenting skills.  I mostly wonder why it is so hard for me to be present with my kids.  Why is it so hard?  Why do I sit there playing with blocks, thinking about what else I should be, or could be doing?  The could be part really gets me. Because then I feel selfish.  It is a constant tug-of-war in my actions and in my thoughts over how much time to spend with my kids, and how much time I give to myself.  Sometimes I feel like I treat my children like accessories. I carry them around wherever I go, but they are not my focus.  Sometimes I find myself resenting how much they hinder me, like carrying around a heavy suitcase. And when I catch myself feeling like that, I feel guilty, and I feel sad.  Even now, as I write this, while my two oldest are in gymnastics, my son is sitting next to me coloring.  It would be a perfect time to focus on him, but here I am writing this. 
Okay, the guilt was too great.  I just took a break to color Dora's Big Red Chicken. 

Other times I feel like I am losing myself to the caretaker I have become.  The other day someone commented on my facebook status that he thought I "loved being a mom more than anyone else he knew" or something to that effect.  And I, of course, started to overthink that, and read into it, that he meant all I talk about is my kids.  And I wasn't sure it was a compliment.    What are my skills anyway?  I have forgotten.  Am I good at anything?  I find myself spending too much time on-line...what am I looking for?  Validation? Attention? Adult Feedback? Probably all of that. 

When all three kids are together it is overwhelming.  It is.  Fights and frustrations, screeching and crying.  I start to feel like I am losing my mind.  I run to my computer to escape. And sometimes I lose my temper and scream.  And then I feel guilty.  And I wonder...  I don't even feel good at being a mom and that is what I have sacrificed my other goals to do.  What am I doing?  I let my kids watch too much TV because it gives me a break. And then I feel guilty.

I am relieved when I hear different perspectives.  Their teachers love them.  Their peers enjoy playing with them.  They seem well adjusted.  So maybe I am doing something right. I hope?

I will just continue to pray, and think, and sit up at night writing in my journal about how I wish I could focus more, and play more, and be more present.  Hopefully it will start to sink in more. Hopefully soon the joy will lead the way, and not the should. 

Because I do love being at home with them.  I do.  I don't want to do anything else, and the thought of going back to work and having daycare or a babysitter watch them is not even an option.  So, I will continue to muddle along and try to take more note of the times where they are sweet and where I am sweet with them.  Because there are plenty of those times.  There really are.  I just take them for granted.

So, am I too involved with my kids, and losing myself, or am I so focused on myself I forget my kids?  I'm confused.  It feels like both... and neither feels very good.  So I'm looking for balance and peace and playfulness.  I'll start by logging off and coloring with my son.  :)