I'm trying to figure this out. How do I face the world? I am completely depressed. I am terrified. I have lost six lbs in the past two weeks because I can't seem to eat anything. All I want to do is sit and cry.
But my family needs me to be there for them. If I sit around gloomy, I will miss the fact that Andrew, one week after brain surgery and 10 days in the hospital is STILL running around, just as wild, just as wacky, just as happy, and just as cheerful as ever.
If I sit around gloomy I will miss all the beautiful things in my life. And there are many beautiful things! If I sit around gloomy and worried, my family will be gloomy and worried. So I can't be! I have to be positive and search for the good. And there is lots of good. The newest "good" is that the cancer is localized. I'm so thankful.
The movie, "Life is Beautiful" comes to mind often. The main character is in a concentration camp with his son, attempting to make the surrounding horror humorous in order to shield his son from the harsh reality of their situation. These trips to the hospital for chemo will be difficult for us. I am terrified to see my baby in pain. I will be in mental agony. But I cannot let him see that too often. I realize that I have to be strong so that he can be strong. I have to be positive so that he will be positive. I will have to do my best to make the horror as pleasant as possible. God help me.
I cannot let my emotions run me.
Thank you all for your prayers and kind words. We will need many of them in the coming year.
Thinking of you and your sweet, happy little man tonight. Sending you strength in spades and will continue to do so. (And eat, Mama! A strong mind needs a strong body!)
ReplyDeleteI'm sure that I don't know the answer, but you are right in saying that you have to be positive for him and that you can't let yourself miss the many wonderful things that will happen this year. This may be quite simplistic, but maybe a little photography therapy would work. You take wonderful pictures and I imagine that it is something you enjoy doing, so maybe taking pictures of the good and the bad will be something that can help you through. It may help you to truly "focus" on the good things and maybe put a barrier between you and the bad things. Not that you have to blog any of it, or share it with the world if you don't want to, just do it for yourself. Just a thought.
ReplyDeleteAnd eat... you have to eat.
Kids are so resilient, we know that, but I think in many ways we take stuff harder because we know all the bad stuff and horrors in life. Kids can be so innocent, and that serves them well. Andrew has a wonderful family and is so supported, that I have no doubt he'll find the strength he needs. And you have an amazing support system too. We're sending out good thoughts and prayers to you. Hopefully, you'll get some time to relax and do something good for yourself -- as bizarre and contrary as that sounds right now.
ReplyDeleteOh Julie, I am so compeletly sorry that you and your little man are having to go through this. You are doing the best you can and it is tough but take those moments to fall apart too. We are going through a little scare of our own this week and I am having so many of those same feelings. I need to be strong for my family but find that person (a friend who is removed from the situation) that you can let go with and don't have to be strong for. It will help. Hugs and Love!
ReplyDeleteHi Julie, from your new UBP friend... Our situations are very different, but there are some similarities. I would like to e-mail you (if you want), but I can't find your e-mail address. Here's mine: mybabyappleseed(at)yahoo(dot)ca
ReplyDeletePraying for you, Andrew and the whole family...
(((Hugs)))
Julie, I'm still praying. You are an incredible mama, and your boys are so lucky to have you :)
ReplyDeleteJulie, we are all so praying for you and holding you in our hearts. Take it one day at a time- you will have at least enough strength for each day, don't think about the following, just work on the present. You can do it and you will gain strength by showing strength to your family. That being said, you need to allow yourself time to cry, time to relax TIME TO EAT and time to re-energize so you can be the support that's needed. Take it one day at a time- we're here for you all the year through :)
ReplyDeleteI'm thinking of you, your brave sweet boy and your family. I wish you strength mama! xxx
ReplyDeletehow are you?
ReplyDelete