Memory...a wedding in red.

 It's my anniversary this Saturday the 15th. 

16 years. 

And every year with him is better.

But it started out kind-of rocky. 

From what felt like "day one," John wanted to marry me. 

I'm not trying to brag.  In fact, it was a lot of pressure. 

It took me a little longer to make up my mind. 

I loved him, and I loved being with him,
but I didn't have the strength of conviction that John had,
as quickly as John had it. 

And John wanted the security of knowing that he was going to get what he wanted. 

 He seemed desperate for it. 

And I, feeling that need in him,
even more than I was feeling my own need for time and space,
gave in to the pressure when he asked me to marry him. 

We had only known each other for about 6 mos,
and I knew I wasn't ready,

but I didn't want to hurt him.

I was only 20.  He was only 19.

So, for almost a year, I planned a wedding I wasn't ready for,
feebly communicating my desire to postpone things,
and giving in whenever John put on the pressure. 

This wasn't a mean pressure.  It felt like a desperation pressure. 

Anne Murray's "You Needed Me" was "our song" for a while...and it felt that way. 

 We needed each other.  Truly.

However, John was a little more in touch with his need than I was.

Two weeks before the wedding, after all of the invitations were sent out,
I called it off. 
I couldn't do it anymore. 

 I NEEDED space to feel my own feelings and not worry about his. 

I was having dreams that he would be waiting in front of the church,

and I would not be there.  

So I finally managed to put my foot down and say NO.

And it was hard.  It was horrible.  Searing pain. Because I loved him.

  But I needed to be saying "yes" for my reasons, not his. 

I knew that if we got married under current conditions, we would be divorced soon.
  My resentment of his pressure was growing intense.

So we took several painful months off from each other. 
I went to therapy to learn how to set some boundaries for myself.  

 I was drowning, trying to please him instead of listening to my own gut. 

I took some hard steps.  I stood up for what I needed. 

And John did his own soul searching.

  He apologized. 

 He told me there would be no more pressure. 

He backed off. 

He listened.

Less than a year from the date of our first planned wedding, we got married.
I asked him this time. 

We didn't send out invitations. 

We didn't plan anything other than to ask our pastor to marry us. 

We called a few friends a few hours before the ceremony,

and invited them to come witness it. 

We got married under a Palo Verde tree in Tucson behind our church. 

I truly cannot believe how clueless I was. 

I wore a RED dress (my only nice dress). 

He wore a blue shirt (his only nice shirt.) 

We wore the same clothes the day before for my college graduation.

We said "I do" and headed to the nearest La Quinta Inn for our one night honeymoon.

The best decision of my life.
(The wedding, not La Quinta)

Could my hair be any bigger?

:)